Just a quickie today, because I'm that kind of girl...
Dad had a scan. The cancer is extremely microscopic, and extremely slow growing. They don't want to do anything with it, yet. He'll have a blood test again in 6 months.
They cannot keep the man of steel down. And that makes me smile.
I'm working on some more stuff...so don't desert me yet. You can, though, dessert me. I like fruity desserts. Thanks in advance.
Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes you just want to smile and enjoy the ride. Other times...not so much.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Neglect
I've neglected doing any writing. I've neglected my thoughts, my dreams, my ideas, my "self."
I wanted to be able to just walk away from this, but I have no place to share. It worked so well at the other site, but I found myself only sharing what was going to make you laugh. Or was going to make me look good. I edited my thoughts so as not to offend my family, my friends...
And in doing so, I became a liar.
I don't know, or really need to know, if anyone will read this. I just know it all needs to be said.
I feel like the world is attacking me. I'm wondering if it's a case of "poor me syndrome," or if it's just a particularly hectic time. I don't know.
These are the things I do know.
I know that we put in a swimming pool last summer. I know that last week, the water level dropped two and a half feet under the winter cover, and the pool flooded our yard. I know that a $2000 repair is happening in March.
I know that I've come to the realization that I am genuinely NOT happy with myself. That's kind of a steady state of existence for me, though.
I know that my best friend got the go-ahead to be bumped up on the heart transplant list last week. I know that the thought of what she's going through makes me physically hurt. She has been my best friend for 30 years. And I never, ever, ever have the right words to say.
I know that my kids are running me completely ragged. I guess that's to be expected, with three kids who are fairly athletic, social, normal people. I guess I'll just smile about that and move on.
I know that my father has cancer.
And I know that I've been told I can't tell.
And I know that in writing *that* sentence, I feel the weight of the world sitting squarely on top of my head. Not even my shoulders. I feel that I can't hold my head up. I can't talk to my friends, because I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm not supposed to share this.
So I will carry the burden. But in putting it out *here* with the few people who read this, I feel...not so alone.
I know that none of them will link to me, or rat me out, or post anything publicly that could possibly lead my family back to this place.
I know that if you are reading this, it's because you care.
And I know that right now...? That's all I need to know.
I wanted to be able to just walk away from this, but I have no place to share. It worked so well at the other site, but I found myself only sharing what was going to make you laugh. Or was going to make me look good. I edited my thoughts so as not to offend my family, my friends...
And in doing so, I became a liar.
I don't know, or really need to know, if anyone will read this. I just know it all needs to be said.
I feel like the world is attacking me. I'm wondering if it's a case of "poor me syndrome," or if it's just a particularly hectic time. I don't know.
These are the things I do know.
I know that we put in a swimming pool last summer. I know that last week, the water level dropped two and a half feet under the winter cover, and the pool flooded our yard. I know that a $2000 repair is happening in March.
I know that I've come to the realization that I am genuinely NOT happy with myself. That's kind of a steady state of existence for me, though.
I know that my best friend got the go-ahead to be bumped up on the heart transplant list last week. I know that the thought of what she's going through makes me physically hurt. She has been my best friend for 30 years. And I never, ever, ever have the right words to say.
I know that my kids are running me completely ragged. I guess that's to be expected, with three kids who are fairly athletic, social, normal people. I guess I'll just smile about that and move on.
I know that my father has cancer.
And I know that I've been told I can't tell.
And I know that in writing *that* sentence, I feel the weight of the world sitting squarely on top of my head. Not even my shoulders. I feel that I can't hold my head up. I can't talk to my friends, because I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm not supposed to share this.
So I will carry the burden. But in putting it out *here* with the few people who read this, I feel...not so alone.
I know that none of them will link to me, or rat me out, or post anything publicly that could possibly lead my family back to this place.
I know that if you are reading this, it's because you care.
And I know that right now...? That's all I need to know.
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