Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Neglect

I've neglected doing any writing.  I've neglected my thoughts, my dreams, my ideas, my "self."

I wanted to be able to just walk away from this, but I have no place to share.  It worked so well at the other site, but I found myself only sharing what was going to make you laugh. Or was going to make me look good.  I edited my thoughts so as not to offend my family, my friends...

And in doing so, I became a liar.

I don't know, or really need to know, if anyone will read this.  I just know it all needs to be said.

I feel like the world is attacking me.  I'm wondering if it's a case of "poor me syndrome," or if it's just a particularly hectic time.  I don't know.

These are the things I do know.

I know that we put in a swimming pool last summer.  I know that last week, the water level dropped two and a half feet under the winter cover, and the pool flooded our yard.  I know that a $2000 repair is happening in March.

I know that I've come to the realization that I am genuinely NOT happy with myself.  That's kind of a steady state of existence for me, though.

I know that my best friend got the go-ahead to be bumped up on the heart transplant list last week.  I know that the thought of what she's going through makes me physically hurt.  She has been my best friend for 30 years.  And I never, ever, ever have the right words to say.

I know that my kids are running me completely ragged.  I guess that's to be expected, with three kids who are fairly athletic, social, normal people. I guess I'll just smile about that and move on.

I know that my father has cancer.

And I know that I've been told I can't tell.

And I know that in writing *that* sentence, I feel the weight of the world sitting squarely on top of my head.  Not even my shoulders.  I feel that I can't hold my head up.  I can't talk to my friends, because I'm always on the verge of tears.  I'm not supposed to share this.

So I will carry the burden.  But in putting it out *here* with the few people who read this, I feel...not so alone.

I know that none of them will link to me, or rat me out, or post anything publicly that could possibly lead my family back to this place.

I know that if you are reading this, it's because you care.

And I know that right now...?  That's all I need to know.

10 comments:

Cowguy said...

Love you kid.

FWIW, evidently I need to work on a few things... my word verification for this reply "Ingrate".

;-)

H said...

XOXOXOXO,
H

Cora said...

((((BIG LINGERING HUG))))

I wish I knew what to say to make it all disappear. I'm so sorry. However, you're right, you NEED a place to vent. Keeping it all locked up inside only results in more pain. I've been there.

SkylersDad said...

I have been feeling those same feelings of needing a place to vent and write it down where family can't find it. This is a safe place with us, we all love you and won't judge you. Just like I hope you won't judge when I "accidentally" put my hand on your butt when I just gave you a big long hug...

The Carnival said...

Cowguy ~ You ingrate, you. :)

H ~ Back atcha, gorgeous.

Cora ~ I feel like Meg Ryan in French Kiss. "Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot."

SkyDad ~ You may have given me an idea... Hmm...

Scope said...

Never gonna give you up.
Never gonna let you down.
Never gonna run around and desert you.

Your secrets are safe under the Big Top.

(But I lied. I will dessert you. Want some chocolate silk pie?)

Amy Kate said...

Sending some good thoughts your way...Secret venting space is so so so important, I know the feeling.

I always remember that "this too shall pass" whenever I am feeling especially burdened and weighed down and unsure how I will get through a rough spot when nothing is going right, not just for myself (which usually is crud that i could control if i just got my act together) but for those i love - things I cannot control no matter what. That's what makes me hurt, makes me ache, makes me heavy. Time marches on and you come through on the other end of rough spots.

tiffany1377 said...

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I am glad you have a place you feel like you can vent and be yourself. I started posting again for the same reason. I am right there with you when you talk about editing your thoughts b/c of what other people may think and becoming a liar. I am struggling with this on a daily basis.

Sassy Carnival Girl said...

Scope - I love that line, "Your secrets are safe under the Big Top."

Amy Kate - I'm glad you came by. :) It's interesting that you say "This too shall pass." My grandmother always said that to me. It's something that has always really helped me. Thank you.

tiffany - At the point I realized I was editing ALL. THE. TIME., I stopped. I had to step back and reassess who I was really doing this for. Once I decided it was truly just for me, then I started fresh. Thanks for coming by! :)

Rebecca Flys said...

You should steal a violet leaf from Wal-Mart and grow a whole plant from it.

Just pinch it off and stick it in some dirt.

You'll feel like a magician and a pirate when the thing finally sprouts. And by the time it flowers, all your old problemos will be replaced with new problemos but somehow having violets blooming always makes things better.

Especially when they're hijacked but all your own.