Monday, February 28, 2011

Hells to the Yeah.

Just a quickie today, because I'm that kind of girl...

Dad had a scan.  The cancer is extremely microscopic, and extremely slow growing.  They don't want to do anything with it, yet.  He'll have a blood test again in 6 months.

They cannot keep the man of steel down.  And that makes me smile.

I'm working on some more don't desert me yet.  You can, though, dessert me.  I like fruity desserts.  Thanks in advance.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I've neglected doing any writing.  I've neglected my thoughts, my dreams, my ideas, my "self."

I wanted to be able to just walk away from this, but I have no place to share.  It worked so well at the other site, but I found myself only sharing what was going to make you laugh. Or was going to make me look good.  I edited my thoughts so as not to offend my family, my friends...

And in doing so, I became a liar.

I don't know, or really need to know, if anyone will read this.  I just know it all needs to be said.

I feel like the world is attacking me.  I'm wondering if it's a case of "poor me syndrome," or if it's just a particularly hectic time.  I don't know.

These are the things I do know.

I know that we put in a swimming pool last summer.  I know that last week, the water level dropped two and a half feet under the winter cover, and the pool flooded our yard.  I know that a $2000 repair is happening in March.

I know that I've come to the realization that I am genuinely NOT happy with myself.  That's kind of a steady state of existence for me, though.

I know that my best friend got the go-ahead to be bumped up on the heart transplant list last week.  I know that the thought of what she's going through makes me physically hurt.  She has been my best friend for 30 years.  And I never, ever, ever have the right words to say.

I know that my kids are running me completely ragged.  I guess that's to be expected, with three kids who are fairly athletic, social, normal people. I guess I'll just smile about that and move on.

I know that my father has cancer.

And I know that I've been told I can't tell.

And I know that in writing *that* sentence, I feel the weight of the world sitting squarely on top of my head.  Not even my shoulders.  I feel that I can't hold my head up.  I can't talk to my friends, because I'm always on the verge of tears.  I'm not supposed to share this.

So I will carry the burden.  But in putting it out *here* with the few people who read this, I feel...not so alone.

I know that none of them will link to me, or rat me out, or post anything publicly that could possibly lead my family back to this place.

I know that if you are reading this, it's because you care.

And I know that right now...?  That's all I need to know.