It's Thursday. Just sayin'

I love Thursdays.  It seems like the kind of day to make good things happen. In that vein, I think it seems like a good day to ask for things.

A good day to list the things I want.

A "Things I Want Thursday," kind of thing, if you will.

Feel free to reply with YOUR list of things you want.  Or, let me know when to start watching the mailbox for all the things you're going to send me from my list.

Here we go.

Today I want:

• To know what in the world is causing this crushing pain that I know is acid reflux.  I want to know what food I'm supposed to be avoiding, because trust me...I'll avoid it.  It feels like death.

• To know that it's not really my coffee causing the reflux.

• To figure out how the hell to work bullets in a post.

• A day to myself, with no cleaning, no bills to pay, no responsibilities. 

• To learn the truth about my father's cancer issues.  I was told it was not going to be a big deal. Now, three months later, I'm learning that it IS a big deal. That the cancer has grown. That they're deciding on courses of treatment.  I'm tired of being lied to.

• To forgive the ones who lie to me.

• To be that person who gets up at 5:00 in the morning with a smile on my face and exercises.  I've done it before. I wish I knew why I can't (or won't) do it now.

• A fridge full of groceries.

• A chef to cook aforementioned groceries.

• To tell my "sick" brother to get over it. To tell him to stop needing so much attention. To tell him to shave, get a haircut, and be a man...a father. 

• To know that one day all of the chaos in my life will pay off.

• A big cup of coffee.  And the knowledge that it is not causing me to have reflux.

• Summer.

• A tan.

• An ice cold shandy.

Hmm...that's about it for today.  Quite a list, eh?

So what about you?  What do you want?  How can I make all YOUR dreams come true?

Hells to the Yeah.

Just a quickie today, because I'm that kind of girl...

Dad had a scan.  The cancer is extremely microscopic, and extremely slow growing.  They don't want to do anything with it, yet.  He'll have a blood test again in 6 months.

They cannot keep the man of steel down.  And that makes me smile.

I'm working on some more stuff...so don't desert me yet.  You can, though, dessert me.  I like fruity desserts.  Thanks in advance.

Neglect

I've neglected doing any writing.  I've neglected my thoughts, my dreams, my ideas, my "self."

I wanted to be able to just walk away from this, but I have no place to share.  It worked so well at the other site, but I found myself only sharing what was going to make you laugh. Or was going to make me look good.  I edited my thoughts so as not to offend my family, my friends...

And in doing so, I became a liar.

I don't know, or really need to know, if anyone will read this.  I just know it all needs to be said.

I feel like the world is attacking me.  I'm wondering if it's a case of "poor me syndrome," or if it's just a particularly hectic time.  I don't know.

These are the things I do know.

I know that we put in a swimming pool last summer.  I know that last week, the water level dropped two and a half feet under the winter cover, and the pool flooded our yard.  I know that a $2000 repair is happening in March.

I know that I've come to the realization that I am genuinely NOT happy with myself.  That's kind of a steady state of existence for me, though.

I know that my best friend got the go-ahead to be bumped up on the heart transplant list last week.  I know that the thought of what she's going through makes me physically hurt.  She has been my best friend for 30 years.  And I never, ever, ever have the right words to say.

I know that my kids are running me completely ragged.  I guess that's to be expected, with three kids who are fairly athletic, social, normal people. I guess I'll just smile about that and move on.

I know that my father has cancer.

And I know that I've been told I can't tell.

And I know that in writing *that* sentence, I feel the weight of the world sitting squarely on top of my head.  Not even my shoulders.  I feel that I can't hold my head up.  I can't talk to my friends, because I'm always on the verge of tears.  I'm not supposed to share this.

So I will carry the burden.  But in putting it out *here* with the few people who read this, I feel...not so alone.

I know that none of them will link to me, or rat me out, or post anything publicly that could possibly lead my family back to this place.

I know that if you are reading this, it's because you care.

And I know that right now...?  That's all I need to know.

A Carnival? Really?

So, why a carnival for my theme?

It's simple, in my simple mind, really. 

Carnivals, fairs, circuses, all things in that category create a mixed emotion inside me.  As does life, lately. 

You see, I feel like my life, lately, is much like a tilt-a-whirl.  It sounds like such a good idea to do something like the tilt-a-whirl.  You're going to spin around, carefree, wind whipping through your hair, and really...you're in control of how much spinning is going on.  You wait in line, watching the other riders, listening to their screams of joy, or fear, or their laughter.  And you stand there thinking, "I'm excited.  This is going to be fun."

And then it's your turn.

You sit down, pull down the metal bar, and the ride starts to slowly spin.  You notice that while the ride is spinning, your car is actually spinning, even though you're not trying to make it do so.  "Wait!  I thought I could control my own spinning?!?"  Nope.  The panic sets in.  The ride keeps going.  As you whiz past the operator, you try to look at him with pleading eyes, "make it stop!"  But he is too busy smoking his cigarette and flirting with the underdressed pre-teen waiting in line.

The ride ends.  You get off, only to feel that nauseating feeling in your stomach.  You wonder if you're going to get sick.  Your head pounds, your stomach churns, your heart races.  You notice that your hands are clammy and your legs feel like jelly. 

And a couple hours later?  You do it again.

That's my life right now.  I keep making these choices that SEEM like such a good idea.  I feel, though, like I'm spinning out of control.  Yet I keep doing them over, and over, and over again.

I don't want to ride the tilt-a-whirl.  I want to drink a lemon shake-up and walk among the lights. 

And don't get me started on the ferris wheel...

I've been here before...

I'm going through life with so much to say, but no real place to say it.  I've been a blogger before...perhaps a decent one.  But getting caught up in the trap of too many people reading my daily blatherings caused me to need to stop.

I plan on being honest.  I plan on telling all.  I plan on being funny, sarcastic, witty, perfect, skinny, altruistic, loving, wonderful, and everything everyone could ever want.

What's that they say about the best laid plans?