I've neglected doing any writing. I've neglected my thoughts, my dreams, my ideas, my "self."
I wanted to be able to just walk away from this, but I have no place to share. It worked so well at the other site, but I found myself only sharing what was going to make you laugh. Or was going to make me look good. I edited my thoughts so as not to offend my family, my friends...
And in doing so, I became a liar.
I don't know, or really need to know, if anyone will read this. I just know it all needs to be said.
I feel like the world is attacking me. I'm wondering if it's a case of "poor me syndrome," or if it's just a particularly hectic time. I don't know.
These are the things I do know.
I know that we put in a swimming pool last summer. I know that last week, the water level dropped two and a half feet under the winter cover, and the pool flooded our yard. I know that a $2000 repair is happening in March.
I know that I've come to the realization that I am genuinely NOT happy with myself. That's kind of a steady state of existence for me, though.
I know that my best friend got the go-ahead to be bumped up on the heart transplant list last week. I know that the thought of what she's going through makes me physically hurt. She has been my best friend for 30 years. And I never, ever, ever have the right words to say.
I know that my kids are running me completely ragged. I guess that's to be expected, with three kids who are fairly athletic, social, normal people. I guess I'll just smile about that and move on.
I know that my father has cancer.
And I know that I've been told I can't tell.
And I know that in writing *that* sentence, I feel the weight of the world sitting squarely on top of my head. Not even my shoulders. I feel that I can't hold my head up. I can't talk to my friends, because I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm not supposed to share this.
So I will carry the burden. But in putting it out *here* with the few people who read this, I feel...not so alone.
I know that none of them will link to me, or rat me out, or post anything publicly that could possibly lead my family back to this place.
I know that if you are reading this, it's because you care.
And I know that right now...? That's all I need to know.